Simply me..

Once upon a time, I used to know who I truly yearn to be. Peace at heart, I was happy. Happy ain't abt laughing, it ain't abt smiles. Cuz laughter can be faked and smiles could actually be frowns. I was simply me and for that priceless me, I was indeed happy.

In my years of puberty, I was happy. I learnt to love, be loved and returned love. Love ain't abt boy-girl relationship, it's more pure and blissful than it. It's abt frenships, it's abt knowing urself. When a lifetime is too short to be frens, u thank god for the precious gift. Yingqi, TK netball, 2/1... bestowed upon me as rain to farmers, sun to mankind, a newborn in the arms of a mother. I was happy for the sharing, fighting, laughing, tearing, falling, winning, losing, growing... I remembered looking forward to each day with new aspirations, confidence & happiness. Thank you, TKGS.

I hate growing for growing come changes. Maybe changes ain't forboding, maybe to face changes alone that's suffocating. Dun tell me changes are inevitable, I call it excuses. u may not b able to cross the same river twice, but in the midst of our hydro-cycle, u may have jus taste it, touched it, drank it. Even if the water ain't d same, d banks have been eroded, d load is diff, I'll still deem it d same river cuz a river is more than jus flowing water, having banks at either side. When ur soul remains, u ain't changed. When u adapt, u ain't changed. when ur soul changes, u r a new person, u r changed. Dun attribute ur 'self' to externalities, we are master of ourselves. When u have changed, admit it. U jus ain't strong enuff to maintain your soul in the vastness. I am weak, I have changed. I allowed myself to be, for vengence, out of tiredness? Maybe abit of both. I am suffocating.

Today, I am lost. I smile & maybe I laughed. I often fall. I dun remember the last time I fought. I cry, I lose, I vaidly recall the taste of winning too. I wanna share but to whom? I wrote a letter 2days ago, to whom d addressee? I dunno. When d letter was completed, i wrote," Dearest LiLing...", "With no love, LiLing". I dun ask for sympathy, it's not a pity. I am just lost. It's a crisis before mid-life, and it'll pass one-day. well, I'm not sure but I hope it do. For now, I'm learning to love, I dun ask for love. I dunno if I'll be simply me, I dunno if I'll still be happy. But I know when I learnt to love, it's the least similarity I can be to simply me.