Just words.

I was reading thru my blog and realized my utterances appear a little unjustifyable to my being these days. And I wonder if I have really nothing much to say, or perhaps I'm undergoing some transitional life make-over. Nope. In fact, I have too much residues in mind that I often catch myself in moments of rummaging. Sometimes it's nice, intriuging and perhaps even heartening. Other times it's just cumbersome and it makes me experience breathing difficulty. But thoughts being thoughts, they are just meant to be relish by the persona at that mindful moment. Beyond that, they can be quite meaningless, can't they?

I realise I have a problem with articulating. Not that I can't construct proper, grammatically-correct, well-linked sentences (that will be quite a scare, considering I'm an Hons Arts student), but I think I have a phobia of crystallizing thoughts into words. To imprint myself in black & white requires such courage that I truly admire those who can manage. It's the fear of facing myself, my rules, my words, my actions, my committments. It's the fear of confrontation, in face of inconsistencies and self-justifications. And worst of all, to be condemned by my own moral judge, to be passed a sentence by frowning on-lookers. As arrogant as I may sound, I am surrounded by ignorance and pride. Lots of pride. Lots of ignorance.
(Oh yes, since I'm at this- did I ever mention there is an implicit norm that contents of my blog should never be brought to surface? I mean it.)

Like a web of entanglement, there really isn't a stable core. One is built on top of the other, another link by a series of criterions. Even in self-attempts to find a meaningful stand, I'm often unconvinced at my own findings. Hence, I've learnt not to. I shall leave it the way it is. A simplistic life can somtimes be found in its own complexity.
I wonder if I'm taking on a escapist attitude by prolonging my own judgment day? I sincerely hope not.

I like to write in simple sentences, in neat paragraphs & phrases. I dont like to perpetuate my confusion. I'll like to think I'm a simple gal. I'll like to understand my point of thought exchange when I turn back in time one day, which I often do. Not like this, tonight is an exception. I blame the people, the music, the haze, the pressures, whatever.

I'm beginnining to hate blogging (and I wonder why am I continuing), I must be right in the 1st place. Why din I heed my own advice?

The other day I was doing a term paper on self-exploration. Trust me, it was a feat to explore myself in 8pages. Is that all I'm worth? Or maybe I'm being over-rated. Anyway, I ended up with more than what I intially intended. After finishing the paper, I had a left-over plate of personal issues thrown into my face, which resulted in more brain spells spent mulling and unnecessary upheavals. And I think I'm disliking myself more and more(I was inclined to use the words detest or hate, but maybe not), I can really be such a chore. I'm such an embarrassment to myself, I think I deserve something worse and I'm quite sure it's just a matter of time, unless I can start compensating myself for all the basterdly deeds, words, thoughts & emotions I've committed. I believe in kharma, and hence the paying of dues.

Right now, I hate myself and I'm about to get into a fit of outbursts, internally. Like a cauldron of witch potion, it's boiling and diffusing in all directions, I wonder what am I concoting? I don't like hiding behind masquerading words and I'm ashamed of my own cowardice. By the way, I've been dreaming. Maybe I'll eventually be able to outcry with such deep convictions into the eyes one day.