My last sem.

I'll aim to keep this entry to only 15mins. My fingers need their deserving rest- cramping up from my 1st-ever (& last) neuropsych cheat sheet for tmr.

And so they say the last semester was supposed to be laid-back, relaxed and probably some sun down my back- and so they say. I knew words were never meant to be taken seriously, but I didn't expect them to be all liars. I'm a naive & gullible girl.

Probably the stakes are different, mine is especially heart-throbbing. Tell me about the paradox of life, my last sem is a paradox on its own. Sometimes I wonder if I can never settle for a path of ease, I could have graduated last yr with smiles & glee, and yet I chose to let myself through such immense fear & torture. Tell me about choices- a sadist isn't much of a decison-maker.

Stress. I never like the word. For it implies a loser. It demands that the self is beyond control- her mind & body at the mercy of the external. I don't like this idea. For I believe everything begin in the mind and end in the heart. And if I can just 看得开, and not hold smgth transient with such grip and fervour, I'll be able to breathe a little easier. This does not mean that I should not bother, only a shift in anchor. The amount of effort is the same, only this time with healthier mental prowess. Yet, for the past 4 days, I'm unable to emerge from my 'black-hole', only sinking further & deeper. I dun understand, and it's scaring me. The way I'm thinking, the way I'm behaving. A mental struggle for the madman.

I hate my last sem.
Correction: I hate my last exam.

I so wanted to paste this note on my door: "Do Not Disturb. Violators will be ignored. Sorry for the inconveniences caused."
Then I think probably not. Exam is not a synonym for social withdrawal. It does not justify self-centeredness nor make you the damsel of the world. That would bestow exams with greater significance then it should ever deserve, exams does not equate to your worth, essence nor the center of your world. It was meant to be a tool, only in Singapore pple view it as the truth.

In any case, I can't wait for 25th May. Though my last paper is on the 30th Apr, it means nothing, not till the day I can proudly declare my graduation to my parents. And I am clenching my fists, praying hard that I will meet my expectation. Really. This is getting too much to handle.

(This took me 5mins! -Who am I fooling?)